Divorce. When you know, you know.
In the last years of my marriage I thought about leaving my spouse constantly and in a wistful sort of way. My departure from my marriage was an event that lay loftily in the distance. There was always a litany of very valid excuses.
When the kids get older.
10 more years.
When I can afford everything on my own.
When I get my shit together.
Meanwhile my marriage continued to crumble and the person I had been, so bright and effervescent quietly died a little everyday.
The destruction and dissolution of your marriage is never an easy road. However one of the best pieces of advice I was given rings true for most people.
When you know, you know.
I can recount hundreds of little moments that eventually became tiny fractures in our relationship where I thought… “ I can’t take this anymore.” But still I stayed and endured. However there comes a pivotal moment quite un-like all the ones that came before its arrival. It is in this moment where you stand at the edge of the abyss peering down at the decision that has been so heart wrenching to make and realize that you are absolutely sure.
When you know, it’s like every part of you has decided to get onboard, mind body and spirit(even if they all fall apart later, I know mine did). All the doubts and fears are still present but you know you must walk out that door while you still have the courage.
The next thing you know, you’re off the cliff and nothing will ever be the same.
Before I got divorced, I can recall countless girls’ nights with both my married and divorced friends. As always, once the smoke had cleared from the venting sessions where we commiserated on our current life trials and tribulations the conversation would eventually teetered into the taboo subject of life after divorce.
Those of us grasping at the end of our ropes would nervously ask our divorced friends “So, how's life after divorce?”
I always found my divorced friends were brutally honest and would encourage those of us peeking over the edge to try and make it work, divorce is hard. Hard on the kids but also hard on you in ways that you cant begin to imagine.
Give it another try.
I remember leaving these girls nights baffled, why did they give me contradictory advice to the path that they had chosen?
Funnily enough, I found it was my still married friends who were in mutual misery that would constantly encourage the departure from my marriage. However once I eventually mustered the courage to leave my husband, they treated me like a pariah. Worried that my divorce was somehow contagious. When the saw the ugly bits that came with this decision they ran, hiding under the skirt tails of their own crumbling marriages.
Let me be clear there will be ugly bits. Divorce is messy, no one gets out without shit on their shoes. You will lose friends and sometimes family. People choose sides, but no one tells you that. Its just one of the many things you will grieve along the way.
The thing that most people will not tell you is how close to a death Divorce is. It is absolutely a life event that you will never forget and yet there are no balloons or candles to blow out. But it stays with you forever and the grief, anger and sadness cannot be described until you are on the other side of the river.
I remember feeling anger towards my partner who now, after 10 years of me pleading for change decided that he would finally “show up” but mostly I felt sadness for the version of me who had lost hope in that idea a long time ago.
These last minute changes in behavior can sometimes give us the illusion that something could be different and many of my friends who upon reflection realize they ended up staying longer than they should have can usually narrow it down to this “hook”. Clinging to the promise of change only to arrive to the same conclusion.
Its over.
I refused to take the hook with my ex because I knew I only had the strength to leave once. I was fully aware that the lifestyle I was leaving behind was far too easy a snare to slip back into. It was my desire to live a fully balance life that helped me put one wobbly foot in front of the other on the tightrope to a place I had never been before.
My departure from my marriage took me down a road I was not sure how to navigate.
That was five years ago, my life is different now. Ironically, I have become one of those divorcees who encourages married people teetering on the edge to be sure. Go to therapy, speak with your spouse clearly so you have no regrets.
But when you know, you know.
